QTel. Let's connect. (With my fist).

It’s been a long time hasn’t it? I have plenty of excuses. I can’t access my blog from work because they snoop on everyone, and my attempts to get connected at home were farcical to say the least. Let me try and describe the absolutely dismal service I got from QTel, affectionately known as WankTel from now on.

WankTel is by far the most inefficient, badly run excuse of a service provider that I have had the misfortune to use. It is full of inept, bumbling imbeciles who are not only arrogant in their incompetence but also rude.

I move into a new apartment. Now Qatar being Qatar, there’s no electricity connected. Nonetheless, the landlord has already cashed our rent cheques (one year’s rent in advance). I cannot get into this other fiasco here because it requires a posting on its own. Let me limit this one to WankTel. Ok. So I move into my new apartment, which at this point is running off electricity from a generator in the parking lot. No lift, but hey, this is Qatar, I've endured worse.

Anyway, I get a form from Wanktel for a service they call Mozaic. The service, which they have plastered on every billboard, bus and taxi in the city promises over 130 prime satellite channels, high speed internet and a landline all for 250/month. This includes a free wireless router. Well bugger me, that’s cheaper than an Oasis biffer.

I did a pretty good job of filling in the form except where it asked for an electricity meter number. Well, as you all know, I didn’t have an electricity meter since Kahramaa (the utility company) hadn’t connected us up yet, hence the fucking huge generator in the parking lot. No worries (or so I thought), there’s a Wanktel number on my building AND my apartment, that should do it. Saved at last.

I skip down to LuLu Center, completed form in hand (because they have a WankTel service centre there) and I eagerly take a ticket and sit and wait patiently for my turn. My number comes up and I sit infront of a Customer Services agent. Below appears our conversation.



ME: Good afternoon!
CS: Yes? (Expectant look on his face like he was constipated)
ME: I would like to apply for Mozaic TV please. (I hand over the form)
CS: Electricity number? (Without looking up from his keyboard)
ME: What?
CS: Meter number?
ME: I don’t have an electricity meter.
CS: Can’t do anything without a meter number.
ME: I have a water meter number and a WankTel number (triumphantly)
CS: No good. Need an electricity meter number.
ME: We have a generator… we don’t have meters. Why do you need an electricity meter number? I want a phone dammit. Here’s YOUR Wanktel number. You nailed it above my door. What the fuck use is it? What’s it for? You just had some little aluminium plates and decided to just randomly nail them over the city for no purpose? Why the electricity number?
CS: So we can locate the building.
ME: I'll take you there, ill draw you a fucking picture, ill video it, give you GPS coordinates… I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING ELECTRICITY METER.
CS: Come back when you do.

I left; form clenched in hand, knuckles white as my nails dug into the soft flesh of my palm. I stormed out of LuLu centre, pushing over several people and kicking a car washer’s bucket like a football.

A month later, we eventually got electricity meters. Not in one go mind you, it took three attempts. Each attempt requiring the generator to be switched off and the residents trying to find some way of switching it back on after the workmen had left. I could almost hear chickens and arctic rolls defrosting in the humid night air Nonetheless, that’s also material for another posting.

Ok… where was I? Yes… I half skip down to LuLu center, recently uncrumpled form in hand. Take a ticket, sit quietly and wait. Number comes up… I walk up to my arch nemesis and place the form gently in front of him and take a seat. The conversation goes something like this

CS: Yes?
ME: I want Mozaic
CS: (Flips through form…taps on keyboard) Electricity Meter not on system.
ME: What?!!
CS: Your meter number isn’t on the system. When was it fitted?
ME: A few days ago.
CS: Ahhhhh!
ME: What do you mean Ahhhh?!
CS: It’s not on the system.
ME: So? How does that help me?
CS: I need an electricity number.
ME: I fucking know that, that’s why I just gave you one.
CS: Yes. But it’s not on the system yet.
ME: What do you want me to do? Make one up. 12345678… that’s it…stick that in your fucking computer.
CS: Calm down sir. I’m trying to help.
ME: Help? Help? Sure… Trying to help turn me into a psychotic murdering cannibal… that’s what.
CS: Do you have a telephone number of anyone else in the building?
ME: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK ANYONE IN MY BUILDING HAS BEEN ABLE TO GET CONNECTED???!!! HEY ?!! HEY!!??
CS: What about a neighbouring building?
ME: Sure. Ill just knock on random doors and ask for peoples telephone numbers.
CS: (looking quite worried now as drops of my saliva drip onto his desk). Please sir calm down.
ME: Calm down? Calm down? I…. I…… (I left because I was getting images in my head of a CSI team examining his twisted body… I could almost hear David Caruso saying “dust the keyboard before you remove it from his anus"

This wasn’t funny anymore.

I drive round where I live and eventually stumble upon a telephone number of a neighbouring shop. So, the next day, I stomp down to LuLu center again, form crunched up into a tiny blood stained ball. I forego the taking a number etiquette and plop into the seat in front of the same guy and watch as he picks my form up off the floor after it bounces off his head.

ME: Mozaic! Here's a number of a nearby shop.
CS: Just checking sir (quiver in his voice)

He stares at the screen. I can see a lump in his throat and beads of sweat form on his brow.

ME: WEEELLLLLL?
CS: I’m sorry sir!
ME: What?
CS: We don’t have Mozaic in your area.

A small pause then a deathly silence

CS: HELP! GET HIM OFF ME! PLEASE. OH MY GOD!!!! WHAT YOU DOING WITH THAT KEYBOARD!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!
Anyway. After explaining to the police my predicament I was released on my own recognizance.

I didn’t give up there. A week later. I was checking the WankTel website and I came across a “Residential Package”. You apply for a landline, mobile and ADSL on one form and you get one bill. I thought I would attempt that one. Id already subscribed to Showtime so Mozaic had lost its allure anyway.

Being the arse I am, I went back to the same guy in LuLu centre. I mean it wasn’t as if he had a restraining order on me anyway. I sat there in front of him and…..

ME: I want the residential package.
CS: Yes sir. (Types quickly into his terminal, which I notice hadn’t been completely cleaned)
CS: OK sir, ADSL speed is 512.
ME: NO!... look at the form. I ticked 2MB
CS: Sorry sir (looking visibly worried), we only offer 512 on the residential package.
ME: NO YOU FUCKING DON’T!... YOUR WEBSITE SAYS 512k, 1MB or 2MB. EVEN YOUR FORM HAS THE 3 OPTIONS. THAT’S WHY I FUCKING TICKED IT!!!!!
CS: Sorry sir, my computer only allows me to select 512k.

At this point I could have leapt over the desk, and eaten my way through his chest and bitten down hard on his heart, ripped it out and howled at the moon. Nonetheless, I exercised self restraint and said. JUST GET ME FUCKING CONNECTED.

That brings us neatly (albeit two weeks later) here. So that’s why I haven’t been blogging. Its WankTel's fault.