I don't trust you

Not only am I an angry soul, I’m also very very mistrusting.I know it's not normally acceptable but I do make judgment on appearance (which we all do but rarely admit).  Here are a few things that really piss me off. If you display any of these, don’t expect me to trust you or have any respect for you whatsoever. Please take note readers and look out for these in your Doctor, Dentist, Salesman, Teacher, mate.. etc… anyone whom a little respect and trust is a requisite.

Ties

The length of your tie should be so the tip reaches the waistband of your trousers. Not halfway down your chest or down to your testicles. If you find it difficult to achieve this maybe you shouldn’t wear one. Better still, you really shouldn’t be allowed to go out unaccompanied

Combovers

Would you trust someone who is deluded to the point where he thinks a few wispy hairs will camouflage the fact that he’s as bald as a billiard ball. Not only are they deluded, they are deceitful to the bone. I also have a nasty habit of continuously staring at it while they are talking just to make them feel uneasy. Try it, its fun.

Farting in public.

Anyone who throws dignity to the wind (pardon the pun) cannot be trusted. If you choose to bring yourself down to the level of the beasts, that’s your business but don’t expect me to entertain you. If you have a stretched anal muscle that makes it difficult to have an element of control, then maybe you should stop stuffing objects up there for a while.

Wearing socks with flip-flops

Do I really need to say anything? Hand me the pepper spray.

Tight or high up trousers

Most women look good with tight trousers on. Most men don’t. Guys, unless you stepped off the pages of a magazine, please stay away from the tight trousers. Especially if you’re over 40 because men at that age mysteriously develop the outline of a toffee apple. Looks like someone squeezed their legs and everything moved to their stomachs.
Flying trousers at half-mast? Did someone die? If the trousers don’t fit then don’t wear them asshole. And don’t pull them up so we can all see which way you hang.

White socks

If you’re not in the gym or a soccer field stay away from them. No you don’t look sporty wearing them with dark patent leather shoes, you just look like a moron.

Bluetooth Headsets

To all those freaks who wear these headsets CONTINUOUSLY. What is wrong with you?  Did you lose the instructions and now having attached it to your ear you are lost on how to remove it? 

Jewelry

Sorry. I just think “bling bling” stuff is the realm of ladies and men who have a propensity for having things shoved up their bottoms (subject of a future post, keep your eyes peeled).

So guys, small rings or pendants are about the limit. Stay off the bangles, bracelets, rings on every finger etc. You just look like complete queers.

Bad breath

If you cant be bothered to clean your teeth then I cant be bothered to talk to you. The last thing I want to have wafted in my face is the decomposing remnants of last night’s chicken madras which you insist on storing between your teeth. Are you saving them for later?

Piercings (other than ears)

What on gods earth possesses you people to disfigure yourself like this? You may look cool now with a staple in your scrotum and a bolt through your penis but believe me, it aint gonna be cool later.

I mean even women are getting pierced downstairs. I’m going to start walking round with a magnet to see how many women I can make orgasm on the bus.