What makes me realize I am weird? Well it usually the way I ramble… the things going round in my head… let me cite a few examples.
Most of these rambles I have had with friends or colleagues on the phone, just before they hang up on me.
A friend of mine called me and told me that a work colleague came to their desk and had an enormous peanut sized piece of dried mucus (bogey to the brits, booger to you yanks)?. They told me it made them physically sick.Normally people would just say “yuck” and move on… no.. not me…
Me: What colour was it?
Friend: I don’t know. Sort of a greenish grey.
Me: Was it stuck to the hairs?
Friend: I really didn’t pay much notice.
Me: Was it hanging out or inside?
Friend: Obviously outside… that’s why I saw it.
Me: Did you tell them?
Friend: No I didn’t. I couldn’t even look at it.
Me: Do you want me to come to your office and tell them?
Friend: No thanks. I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Me: Maybe its too big. Maybe it has to be removed surgically.
Friend: (getting into it now) yes. Maybe they will write to “Extreme Makeover”
Me: Problem is that they will have to walk with their head back after that.
Friend: What?
Me: Because after all that time holding your head up with such a mass hanging off the end of your nose, the muscles in the back of your neck would have developed abnormally large to compensate. After removing the mass, the muscles will have a tendency to pull the head back.
Friend: You’re weird.
Me: No.. it’s true… I can draw you a picture if you like.
Friend: go away weirdo. I have work to do.
Another phone call I had this week.
Friend: Good morning
Me: Good morning
Friend: Hows things?
Me: Good. How about you?
Friend: Okey Dokey
Me: I hate ladies fingers (okra).
Friend: Ladies fingers?
Me: Yes. You know. Those vegetables that are bristly. Look a lot like chili peppers. Why they call them ladies fingers, I don’t know. If I ever saw a lady with fingers like that I would run like the wind. Can you imagine her touching you with fingers like that?
Friend: Oh I see.
Me: I hate them. Not real ladies fingers that is. Cos I like real ladies fingers. Especially if they have nice nails. Anyway, I hate the vegetables cos they are all stringy and they feel like someone has blown their nose in the stew. I always imagine the chef blowing a huge mass of mucus into the pot. That’s why I hate them. Oh… and the fact they call them ladies fingers.
Friend: ok.
Me: yes. Why the hell do they call them ladies fingers? They didn’t call cucumbers “men’s knobs”. If there’s any resemblance between a body part and a vegetable that’s it. Have you ever seen a bearded clam?
Me. My god. That should be called “woman’s “thingy” ”. It doesn’t just look like it. You should smell it.
Friend: Thank you. That was just the image I needed
Me: You know what else I hate?
Friend: I shudder to think
Friend: How could you hate Mars bars?
Me: Because who would make them that shape? They even have veins on them.
Friend: You’re weird. Leave me alone.
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