Condiments and crappers

I always seem to be faced with no end of weird and wonderful situations when I fly. Here are a recent couple.

I’m flying from Doha to Abu Dhabi and have to go through the usual rigmarole of checking in, boarding, fighting with the twat in my seat etc.

Anyways… I’m sitting there a few minutes after take off and I can hear the cabin crew wheezing as they push the galley trolley laden with goodies up the aisle as the plane points into the night sky. I always refuse the wonderful coleslaw and toenail sandwich along with sickly sweet reconstituted mango juice (made with real mangoes may I hasten to add. What they really mean is there are a few dried molecules of what used to be mangoes in there somewhere so they can legally call it a mango drink)

I digress. In front of me there was a man and his mate. The one in the window seat was clearly new to flying as his delight at being in the plane was quite obvious. His colleague, on the other hand, seemed a real frequent flyer. Showing his friend where to sit, how to stow his hand baggage, how to fasten his seatbelt and all manner of things only a true jetsetter would know.

Cue the wheezing galley trolley laden with culinary delights. The stewardess hands over the sandwiches to the aforementioned jetsetter and hapless companion. They were in front of me and in the aisle of seats to my right so I could clearly see the seasoned flyer as he explained the merits of this mid air feast to his eager friend. He showed him how to open the packet, open the juice bottle and so on and so forth. Next, he carefully laid a napkin on his seat table, placed the sandwich on top of it and gently prized it open with the skill of a consultant gynaecologist. Then he picked up the wet towel (the pre-packaged wet tissues you get that smell like rotten lemons), tore off a corner and proceeded to squeeze the contents into his open sandwich. Oblivious to the fact that this was not a dressing. He strained, he grunted, I swear I heard him let go of a couple of high pitched farts as they squeezed past his tightly clenched buttocks.

No way… nothing was coming out. He tore a little more off the packet and tried again. All the time glancing over to his friend with a "silly airlines with their crap impossible to open packaging " look on his bright red sweaty face. This time he strained so hard that even my buttocks were clenching in resonant sympathy. I'm sure he shit himself, even if only a little bit.

Finally, he tore open the packet and produced the moist towel with an incredulous look of horror on his face. He turned and caught me staring with tears streaming down my face.

He ate in silence and never spoke the entire flight. I hear he's actually been struck dumb.


Another time, I was on a flight to KL (Kuala Lumpur to you plebs, KL to us jet setters)…

Halfway through the flight, I suddenly needed the lavatory. As you all know. Nothing happens all during the flight then all of a sudden everyone wants to piss at once. I’m sure they put a diuretic and laxatives in the food so everyone pisses and shits as were flying over Iran. Coincidence… I think not dear friends. I smell conspiracy, amongst other things.

Where was I? oh yea.

So I’m there holding it in as a constant stream (pardon the pun) of passengers walk past me to use the toilet. I keep looking back at the light and it's always red. As soon as it goes green, I get up and then it goes red again… this happens several times. I then see the light go green again, get up and walk towards the toilet… still green…. Wahay…. I push the door open and I am standing over a woman sitting there with her trousers round her ankles… I look down with my "OH MY FUCKING GOD" eyes… she looks up at me with her "OH MY FUCKING GOD" eyes, then she tries to kick the door shut with both feet. I see her as her bent double body slides arse first into the bowl. The image of her desperately trying to cling on to the smooth cubicle walls as the cold wet steel makes contact with her cheeks will haunt me forever. I am half hoping she flushed at that point and flushed herself into oblivion. Fucking cow. Why couldn’t she close the door? Is it too much to ask? Why abuse me like this? Needless to say, I went back to my seat, curled up into a ball, covered myself with a blanket and willed my body to reabsorb the contents of my bladder, which it kindly did.

I think they managed to get her out in the end because I saw a stewardess running past me with some cutlery. I could have sworn I heard a chorus of people cheer after a loud popping sound was heard. Mind you, I might have been dreaming.

Needless to say, I was the last person off the plane, I refused to take the blanket off my head, instead, I was escorted off the plane like some murder suspect being led to court.