Shake it baby. Yeah !!!


Nothing says more about your character than a handshake. That first physical contact with someone speaks volumes about you. How often have you been faced with a handshake that leaves you bemused, angry or just abused?

Well, to help you in those awkward moments that plague many social occasions, I have come up with social profiles of and counter-measures for the most (un)popular handshakes that you may come across. So… here we go…




The bone crunching, incontinence inducing Vice Grip of Death.


Usually limited to the lower echelons of the gene pool. A stooped back, overly long upper limbs and unusually short lower limbs give some warning. Also look out for knuckles which reach the floor and excessive body hair.

Counter Measure.
To avoid injury, the trick is to shove your hand as far into theirs as possible. Their objective is to clasp your fingers and squeeze. The bony fingers are especially susceptible to squeezing and the thrusting of the hand forward will only allow the primate to squeeze your palm. Watch and smile as he face reddens and he may even break wind due to the strain.

What he drives.
A big American muscle car like a Corvette or Mustang

What women he likes
All breasts, ass and make up.

How he has sex
Very quickly and very noisily. As he climaxes, he may bray like a donkey or howl like a wolf.



The All-American “Hey buddy”

The person delivering it will look you right in the eye, fully engage your hand, smile and pump your hand two or three times. He may grin inanely while he does this. The giver just oozes so much damn self confidence that you want to bitch-slap him across the face.

Counter Measure.
Attack his self confidence. Pick a fault (balding hair, speech impediment, bad suit etc.) and bring attention to it. For example, after this shake say something like “Phew, what did you just eat? Your breath smells like sri lankan cricketers jock strap after a five day test”

What he drives.
A Mercedes or BMW.

What women he likes
Usually attractive professional types.

How he has sex
Usually from behind with one hand on his hip. He may say “yea baby, tell me how much you like it” or the immortal "whose your daddy?".



The Lingerer

You know this one. The guy shakes your hand normally then holds on while he talks to you. Treat this handshake with suspicion. Either the guy has a bad memory and has forgotten to let go or he likes the feel of your skin against his. Either way, you should worry.

Counter Measure.
A great counter measure for this one is to turn the tables and hold on to his hand for a really long time. He will become very uncomfortable as time goes by and may even snatch it away after 10 minutes screaming “what the fuck is wrong with you?!!!!”.

What he drives.
An average saloon car.

What women he likes
Typical housewife type. Women who love cooking and looking after the kids.

How he has sex
On top with his head in the pillow. He may whimper and break wind as he orgasms. After orgasm, he may lie there motionless panting heavily trying to remember whether he’s finished or not.



The Push-Off

Even though this grip may be firm and warm, at the end your hand is pushed or flicked away. The Push-Off can range from a slight stiff-arm to a flat-out rejection. Territorial wanker. Be careful. This shaker may start pissing all over the place to mark his territory.

Counter Measure.
Invade his personal space. If standing, stand real close to the point of touching him. If sitting, bring your chair closer to him and start going through any documents he has left on his desk.

What he drives.
A huge four wheel drive.

What women he likes
Submissive types.

How he has sex
On top with his partners legs forced unnaturally behind her ears. He may hold her arms down to reinforce his authority. The most likely lover to step back on orgasm and finish himself off over his partner.



The Pull-In

This person holds on to your hand to pull you closer, or direct you through a door or toward a chair. This is the typical control freak handshake. Do not let go or there is a danger the shaker will swing you around, drop your pants and take you up the arse before you realize it.

Counter Measure.
Make a point of grasping his hand tightly and not letting go as you walk around. An ultimate counter measure is not to let go until you reach home in the evening.

What he drives.
A Hummer or Porsche (depending on his penis size).

What women he likes
Slutty submissive types.

How he has sex
Anally. Usually with his hands around his partners neck. May say “uhu… take it bitch… take it.



The Two-Hander

During this handshake, the person's right hand will grab yours while the left hand grasps your wrist, forearm, biceps, shoulder, or neck The higher the left hand, the greater the manipulation and control. This is the favorite handshake of politicians because it implies a quick sincerity and intimacy. This person is trying to sell you something that's not really there, e.g., "we're great buddies”. Never, ever, trust this type of shaker. The complete wanker of handshakes.

Counter Measure.
Squeeze squeeze squeeze. As you shake hands, squeeze different parts of his body, arm, shoulder, neck.. Let your imagination go wild. If you’re feeling particularly adventurous, use your free hand to squeeze their nose, tweak their nipple or even cup their genitals.

What he drives.
A Rolls Royce, Range Rover or Jaguar.

What women he likes
Prim and proper types who wear floral dresses and little make up.

How he has sex
During normal sex will “inadvertently” slip into his partners arse swearing blind that he didn’t realize that he had done it.



The Finger Phantom

This person just offers you two or three fingers. A completely selfish handshake. Its just a handshake moron!!! A favourite amongst women and people afraid to show intimacy.

Counter Measure.
Hug them. As soon as they shake hands, pull them towards you and give them a hearty cuddle. After the handshake, walk around everywhere with them with your arm around their shoulder. Look intently at them and try to stroke their hair or face.

What he drives.
A Saab or Volvo.

What women he likes
Dominant overbearing types.

How he has sex
With the lights off. His partner may tug on his ears or dig her nail into his back or buttocks. She may say “faster you useless piece of shit”



The Dead Fish

We all know people who offer this kind of cold, clammy, indifferent handshake. They thrust their hand forward and don’t grab yours or move their arm. The lazy shits expect you to make all the effort. These people should be shot. Better still, the active gene should be identified so these tossers can be terminated at birth.

Counter Measure
Mirror their exact actions. Therefore, you just stand there face to face, flat open hands touching palm to palm. Do not grab their hand or move your arm up and down. This is unnerving for them and surreal to people watching.

What he drives.
A Toyota Corolla or Nissan Tiida.

What women he likes
I don’t think this question is relevant.

How he has sex
Feverishly until his arm goes numb or his mother walks in on him.



Now you are well equipped for that job interview, meeting with your girlfriend’s father or any social occasion. Go shake it baby.

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