I hate you!!!!!

I think im a reasonable sort of guy. Angry at times, but reasonable. I try and see the better side of people whenever I can, but sometimes, the patience of Job isn't enough. There are a few pet peeves I have, nothing that endangers civilisation by bringing the end of the world nearer, but bloody annoying regardless.


People who press both UP and DOWN when they are calling a lift.

What the hell is wrong with you people. You retarded imbeciles. Haven't you made your mind up? Is it some sick game you play? Is it like rolling a dice? "Lets press both buttons today, I feel lucky".

Next time I'm going up in a lift and it stops half way because your sorry ass pressed up even though you want to go down and you peer in asking "going down?" Even though the indicator is telling you its going up, I'm going to say yes. and when you get into the lift, it will just be me and you, and believe me, you WILL be going down.


People who don't look where they're going on the street.

I have never seen people with more of a death wish than these. They are so stupid that they shouldn't be allowed to go out unaccompanied. What is wrong with you? Do you realise what 1500kg of steel coming at you at speed can do to you? It will certainly send you permanently into that dreamworld you seem to be in.


Airline safety instructions.

Are these bozos serious? "In the event of an emergency landing on water, the exit slides will serve as rafts". Really? what happens when a plane hits the water? It breaks up into tiny little pieces, much like what will happen to any passenger. "Don't inflate your lifejacket until you have left the aircraft" excuse me, "leave the aircraft?" are you taking the piss? Shouldn't that be "after being forcibly sucked out of a hole the size of a teacup?" Call me selfish, but in the event of an emergency landing, I think I would be a bit preoccupied with finding my limbs to be remembering details.

They should just be honest and say "In the event of an emergency landing on land or water, the chances of actually living through the landing are pretty slim. If some of you do make it, you'll probably wish you died on impact. Thank you for choosing to fly with us"


Horoscopes

What a pile of steaming bovine excrement. You really have to be a complete retard to believe this. You probably press Up and Down when calling a lift.

How in the hell does neptune being in line with jupiter and some stars making some funny shape together have any impact on what decisions I make today? Grow up and get a life losers.


Starbucks

Hello people. WTF is going down with the sizes of your coffee? WTF is "tall" and "grande" ? doesn't small, medium and large suffice? Are you trying to appear so poncy that even normal English is beneath you?

Why don't they ever sell normal coffee? What the hell is "columbian arabica slow roasted by ethnic lepers" ? Can't I have just plain coffee?

Well, you know what you can do with your coffee... stick it up your "grande".


Body Odour

Now I want you to imagine frying onions, putting them in a blender then bottling them and using them as a deodorant every morning. Because thats the type of smell I am constantly exposed to on a daily basis. I know that in summer it can get a little hot, but there's no excuse for it. I am prepared to contribute to a deodarant fund, please..oh please... have some pity on me. Your nasal nerve endings may have been numbed by this putrid smell over the years, but mine haven't.


Spitting in the street

This has to be high on my list. Do you turds do this at home? Sitting watching TV and think "Hmm, I feel a bit congested , I think I'll go outside, cough my insides up and leave them in a steaming pile where everybody walks". These people aren't normal. The worst ones are those that feel the need to coax their delivery by grunting and snorting loudly and then projecting a mass the size of hawaii onto the pavement.


People who dance their way into a club

Excuse me, but I think you are complete twats. Why can't you wait till you get inside? What happened ? You warming up? Did Gloria Estefan's rythm get ya? morons.

You dont see me starting to piss on the floor on the way to the toilet do you?


People who say "with all due respect" before they speak

Come on you hypocrites. We all know you want to start your pissy little speech with "No, sorry, you are a complet twat and I have no respect for you whatsoever"


People who use proverbs in normal converstation.

"I told him not to put all his eggs in one basket but he had too many cooks and spoilt the broth, but hey.. every cloud has a silver lining and a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"

What in the name of every thing holy is that supposed to mean?


Thats all for now...  because the mere act of writing these down is making my blood boil. I think I will go find a quiet dark corner and lie down for a bit.