Watch my car watchmanologist

I have a weird watchman (“no..no..no, mine is weirder !!” you may interrupt). I think he's Nepalese because in the winter months, while im wearing a T shirt, he has the full Sherpa Tensing costume on like hes going to scale the north face of the City Centre Mall.

Anyway. This watchman has no concept of personal hygiene. Body odour that even flies avoid is the order of the day. I hate to imagine what manner of flora and fauna inhabit the various dark and damp crevices of his body (I really wanted to say carcass, but hes not dead….Yet!!!)

He usually mops the floors of my building (the building which I rent an apartment in before some sod asks if I own it… fnarr fnarr, some of you are so bloody funny). This entails him dragging a balding mop, dipped in rancid water, across the shiny floors. Now couple this with the festering stench emanating from every pore in his body and you have a veritable symphony of aromas that would curdle milk at 50 yards.

Usually, I pay him to clean my apartment while I'm at work. What a mistake that was. Whenever he cleans it I have to redo it to remove the greasy streaks he left behind. I don’t have the heart to give him the elbow. I suppose I'll have to arrange for an unfortunate accident.

Last month he ran upto me while I was getting into the car. Screaming “Sir!! Sir!! Clean car.. clean car “ while waving a rag at me that so filthy and worn that I think only the dirt was holding it together. The only response I could give was “You touch car, you masalamah” while making a throat slitting gesture with my forefinger and making a noise I thought someone would make having his throat slit. Considering the language barriers between us, I think I did a damn fine job communicating my response as he turned and bolted, the rear of his trousers turning russet as he ran.






I'm a little anal about my car. I worry about parking it. I usually will not park near anything that falls into one or more of the following categories
a. Dirty
b. Anything pre 2000
c. Landcruiser, hummer, suburban etc
d. Anything that has childseats in it (especially in the drivers seat??!!)

Because, from bitter experience, this is when the sides of my doors get crunched by inconsiderate bastards who open their doors without caring about other people's property.

What’s the purpose of all this you may ask? Well my dear friends, I have three marks on my car. A scratch on the boot which someone decided would enhance the appearance whilst I was parked in the company lot. A mark on my door left by the inconsiderate bastards I mentioned above and finally, the steaming turd that crowns the pile, scratches all down the underside of the door because some bright spark left a block of concrete in the middle of the road.

To all these people. I hate you. I hate you more than you can imagine. I hate your selfish, inconsiderate and envious lives. I curse the day you came into this life and my only joy is to see you die a slow and painful death, whereby I will laugh out loud, go to your funeral and piss on your grave.

I told you I was a little anal bout my car






Now you can imagine, im a very angry man today. However, the QatarLiving Forum gave me welcome relief this morning with this post, in response to someone asking about physiotherapeautic massage for back pain.

I quote it as it appeared.

"I'm a professional sexologist and have great experience in body massage for both relaxation and spinal cord injuries , muscle tensions and general muscle inflation treatment , olso in traditional massage (african , turkish , american , egyptian , arabian ) . I do massage and sexology consulting as a part of my doctorial degree practise so i do it for free , also i can train your husband to do this massage for you for free, please refer to my subject mars venus coach
Regards
Tarek , Mars Venus Coach , Sexologist
(removed to protect the innocent)@yahoo.com

Hi Every Body
I'm a Mars Venus Coach , Sexologist , Love and Family Consultant , I'm working now in Doha for a couple of years , I'm preparing a Doctorial degree in USA . California Univesity @ Berkley in the Field of Sexology and Love Consultancy , as a part of my study , I'm willing to offer private love , family , relations and sexology consulting and training for men an women online , via telephone , or in person , all training is free and private , training fields include :
1- Love and Relational Consultancy
2- Sexology and Sex best practices
3- Family Consulting ( marriage , divorce , family complications)
4- Communication and opposite sex relational training
Sexology Traing includes professional Massage and Relaxation therapy , Orgasm detection exercises and art of kissing lessons, can be guided freely online for women ashamed to have practical sexual traing
Note : I'm not willing to have sexual relations with any woman of the clients so please just call if u r interested in real training and therapy not for fun
Please conatct me on: (removed to protect the innocent)@yahoo.com
Note : All Clients will be guided with no charge after veifying the case to be serious
Thanks
Tarek , Mars Venus Coach , Sexologist"




I refrain from commenting on his feeble attempt to get laid. As I said in the forum, I think hes a complete wankologist.