Top tips of the week

Top tips of the week
Love these top tips.  Again... not mine..... just sharing.

Convince bar staff that your pint is off by sticking your finger up your arse before holding the glass close to their nose.



Shoe bombers. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.



To make a pot of supermarket coleslaw go further, simply grate a carrot, some cabbage and an onion into the tub, then add some mayonnaise



Single men. Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV whilst trying to watch match of the day



Single men. Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Miss Selfridge (womens clothes store) with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.



Fool everyone into thinking you have just eaten an apple by rubbing your tummy and saying loudly "Mmm! That was a lovely apple."



Dont waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few pieces of dog shit in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.



Burglars. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.



Cinema goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.



Women Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house.



Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.



Blind people. Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.



Men Can't get a blow job? Simply strip naked, plonk yourself arse-first into an empty dustbin, and you should be able to do it yourself. Use a pile of tyres instead of a dustbin if you require deep throat



Motorists. Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.



McDONALD'S. Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

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