Art darlings, art

Many would consider me a philistine when it comes to art. Unable to detect and appreciate the finer nuances of the artist's reflection of his innermost mind and soul. To see the painting exude silent melodies and waft emotive penchants from the artist’s id. To which my response would be "Kiss my arse loser!!" followed by a backhanded slap to the side of the head.

To me, art is displaying a skill which is out of the reach of the normal human. Whether it is through painting, sculpture, music… whatever.

There are times I see paintings and the phrase “bloody hell!!” jumps into my head, and often, out of my mouth. A fine example is this is a painting by an artist named Carl Brendars. It is called "Tundra Summit-Arctic Wolves”





The detail, the composition, it is truly amazing. I love it.

Another artist I like is Ralph Goings. His work concentrates on the truly mundane. Cars, diners and condiments. I know condiments seems funny, but look at this..





I would argue that few photographs capture the feel of this painting.





Heres' a diner painting.






I could go on and on, but I only set down a few examples to set the scene. I don’t need some university dropout who makes no contribution to society except target practice (where's my dart set?). A self-serving, pretentious idiot who labels us “common philistines” and walks round art galleries with a glass of wine saying things like,

“Although I am not a painter, I think that the reductive quality of the spatial relationships contextualizes a participation in the critical dialogue of the 90s.”

“With regard to the issue of content, the metaphorical resonance of the motifs visually and conceptually activates the essentially transitional quality.”

“Umm... the aura of the figurative-narrative line-space matrix threatens to penetrate the accessibility of the work.”

All the above translate into one thing for me. Which is “Hello, I am a pretentious wanker who has no purpose in life. I talk complete shite which even I don’t understand. Please kill me with a heavy blunt instrument and feed me to dogs so I can at least have made some positive contribution to this planet"


What a load of bollocks. Does anyone even understand what these morons are actually saying? Is it just me or does anyone else feel the need to kick them so hard in the nuts that they have to piss through their noses?

Let me just post a few examples of crap that these imbeciles promote as art.
These are called Neoplasticists.

Piet Mondrian (1872-1944)


This one is called “opposition of lines red and yellow”. I did better stuff when I was a kid.






This is another of his masterpieces.






Ok lets cap it off with this one…. Brilliant eh? My gran made tablecloths better than this.







Paul Klee (1879-1940)

Ah. Paul Klee. Lets start with this one. Another one obsessed with tablecloths.


Or what about this one? Obviously one of his ex-girlfriends.



I particularly like the use of breasts instead of eyes and a scrotum for a chin on this one.




Mark Rothko (1903-1970)

Rothko isnt a Neospasticist, hes an abstract impressionist. ("Really? Thats interesting Giasi." I can hear you ask enthusiastically) However, his stuff is still utter shit aswell.

Lets start with this one aptly called “Red Orange Tan and Purple”. What can I say?





Then we have “Blue Orange Red”



And finally, to give it an air of mysticism, “untitled”





But my all time favourite wanky artist is a genius known as Kasimir Malevich (1878-1935).

Geniuses like this only come around every so often.

Here are some of his masterpieces.




Black square red square




Rectangle and circle




Can you guess what this one is called?


How about this one art lovers...?



Well done readers, yes, we have Black Circle and Black Square.


I hope I have enlightened some of you. So next time you have a dodgy curry and your arse explodes into the toilet bowl the next day, take a photograph of it. Or better still, just crap into a box and send it to your local art dealer. You may be the goose that laid the golden egg.