DIETING (or, "Does my bum look big in this?")

If there’s one cohesive trait of women the world over, it’s dieting.  Or more correctly, unsuccessful dieting.  Come on. When will you all give up like us men and embrace the rotundness that god intended?

A woman I was with once was spending ages in the bathroom getting ready.  I knocked on the door and after what seemed like hours she reluctantly opened the door and as the steam billowed out I popped my head around the door and as her sillouette came into focus i could see her looking at herself in the mirror in her new dress.  She turned to me and asked "Do i look fat in this?".  My response of "A bit, but it is a smallish kinda bathroom" didnt go down to well.

Like women, we men are also guilty of declaring “I really need to lose some weight”.  However, that’s where the similarity ends.  Women usually say it while looking at a reflection of their arse in a mirror with a dejected look, whilst men are usually holding their overhanging belly and gently jigging it up and down with a smirk on their face.

One other subtle but equally important difference is that women will then embark on a concerted effort to stick to the latest get fit quick scam whilst men will simply do absolutely fuck all about it.

Which brings me quite neatly onto the main subject of this post.  Get fit quick scams, which is my endearing name for diets.  Whenever I have attempted to discuss these so called “diets” or “regimens” or “lifestyles” depending on who’s selling them, I get a barrage of abuse for talking from an uneducated perspective.  I am accused of all manner of things like being stupid, unsympathetic, uninformed, biased, misogynistic and a complete bastard.

So my fair maidens, I made the decision to try out each and every one of the diets I discuss here.  So I can confidently talk from experience and all your accusations can go suck eggs.  Apart from the one where I am a bastard.

Please remember that any of you considering a weight loss program should consult their doctor first.  Unless your doctor is a fat bastard because then it’s just a waste of time.

ATKINS (The “shitting toxic bricks” diet)

What’s it all about then?

This is the one where you can eat whatever you like as long as it’s meat.  The diet does allow other things like eggs, oils, butter and nuts; but you invariably end up overdosing on kebabs, fried chicken and steaks.

Do you lose weight?

Funnily enough, yes you do.  First few days the weight drops off but that’s usually just water loss.  The fact that you are depleting the carbohydrate stores in your body and not replenishing them, you also lose water.  That’s because carbs usually need water to be stored with them.  I’m not an expert and that’s the layman’s explanation so live with it.

After that, the weight loss is at a more modest pace but it’s still there.

What’s wrong with it.

You are encouraged to drink lots and lots of water.  This is to flush out all the excess protein in your system that can make your kidneys give up the ghost.  Invariably, you end up drinking less than is needed and your piss ends up turning a lovely hue of dark orange.  It doesn’t stop there.  Your bowel movements become less frequent and when you actually do go for a shit, be prepared for a turd that feels like it’s been baked in the midday sun for a few hours and is coming out sideways.  The assault on your ringpiece is criminal at least.  Normally, my dumps don’t smell that bad, but on this diet, the rancid stench will leave you gagging.  I would suggest taking a shit in a forest or something.  You can find out if you take a dump in a forest and there’s no one there, does it still smell?”, however, that excludes you.

You crave carbs like hell and if you have a sweet tooth, god help you.  I eventually gave this diet up when I dreamt I was masturbating with a glazed doughnut.

Similar diets

Dukan Diet:  Same sort of thing but with a French twist.  You are encouraged to eat oat bran though which makes your turds a little less concrete-like. Breaks the diet up into phases gradually introducing more complex carbs with the ultimate phase being “eat whatever you like” with the condition that one day a week you eat only protein.

South Beach Diet: Again essentially the same thing but tries to sound sexy and also tries to confuse you with ‘glycemic index’.  Still a low carb diet.

CALORIE LIMITED READY MEALS (The “I’m too fucking lazy” diet)

What’s it all about then?

You pay some company the equivalent of US$700 per month to deliver your prepared meals on a daily basis.  You get three meals plus two or three snacks.  These are prepackaged and delivered to your door.  You just eat what you’re given.

It does save you having to buy and prepare food and no dishes if you eat out of the containers.

The meals are ok for the first week, then they start getting quite boring.  There’s only so much you can do with chicken breast, lettuce and zucchini; I mean related to eating them that is.

Does it work?

I think I lost about 1kg the month I was on it.  But I don’t think I was doing it right. I think you’re supposed to eat each meal at normal meal times not save everything up and have a feast at midnight.

What’s wrong with it?

Its bloody expensive for a start.  It’s about US$25 a day.  You can get a hell of a lot of vegetables and fruits for that if only you would get up off your fat lazy arse and made your own meals.

You have to be so damned lazy to do this diet.  Possibly the main reason that you’re a tub of lard in the first place.

Similar Diets: Weight Watchers, Slim Fast ready meals.

BULIMIA NERVOSA (Twice the taste, zero calories)

What’s it all about then?

You eat whatever you like and then stick your fingers down your throat and vomit everything back out.  Remember that you cannot re-eat anything.  That’s just being cheap.  Plus, there's diced carrots in there whether you’ve eaten them or not.

Does it work?

I did it for a couple of days and I lost about 1.5kg.  If you extrapolate that further it could be quite effective in the long term.  I mean, you’re essentially starving yourself.

What’s wrong with it?

Apart from needing to be insane?  This is basically starving yourself with the added bonus of actually eating whatever you like. 

You may be satisfying the psychological need for food but not the physiological need.  Apart from losing weight you’ll also end up losing your teeth and it comes with a whole host of other benefits like:

• Scarred hands from rubbing them against your teeth when you make yourself gag.
• Heart problems from electrolyte imbalance
• Heartburn from hell
• Inflammation of the esophagus
• Ulcers
• Constipation

A lot of these occur because you’re throwing up a lot of acid as well as food.  Your throat, mouth, teeth etc were just not designed for that sort of abuse.

For those of you contemplating this one, I have a second hand car I can sell you.

Similar Diets: The E.Coli Diet.

CONCLUSION

Well my little lettuce crunchers.... what have we learned from this socio-psycho-physiological experiment? (wow.... I just made that double hyphen word up and it sounds like a real one).

Theres only two ways about it.

1.  Embrace the fuller figure that the lord has bestowed upon you (I intentionally didnt say cursed you with to make people feel better.... oh dear.... did I say that out loud?). 

Eat whatever you like with the full knowledge that that last pie and chips followed by doughnuts is worth all the contempt that people heap on you.

You'll probably die when you're poorly oxygenated heart gives up trying to pump blood to every cell of that oversized lump of lard that passes for a body.  You'll most likely be eating at the time.  At least people can say "We'll at least he went doing what he loved". 

I digress here but I think that can be said about anyone if you include breathing.  I mean, who doesnt love breathing? Have you tried not breathing? ..... where was I?.. oh yea.



2.  Care for your body and your health by eating the stuff that rabbits eat.  Theres a reason we keep them in cages.  To stop them ripping our throats out at night and raiding the fridge.

Have you ever noticed how all the healthy food comes out the other end much the same as the way it went in.  I bet the the toilet in these health food joints looks much like the buffet.

Anyway.  Eat healthy and excercise.  Run for miles and sweat like the pig your not allowed to eat.  Have you noticed how all runners grimace? They never smile.  I cant believe you can enjoy anything that makes your face contort like that.

Eat healthy and excercise and you'll live a to a ripe old age.  You'll have decades to fill with regret and resentment for not eating that steak or that cream cake.  It's too late now.  You're body couldnt take it now as you munch through muesli just so your arse doesnt stop working.



Its a grim picture either way.  Sorry.