Ramadhan (a.k.a Ramzan, Ramdam and Rummydown)

This is a repost of something I wrote last Ramadan.  I have moved it up here just to show how contemporary I am, it being Ramadan right now and everything.

Aaanywaay.... Ramadan. The wonderful month of gluttony, inactivity and pure sloth.



What is it about this month that brings about certain phenomena peculiar to this time of year. In this post, I will try to unveil these mysteries to the uninitiated. For those of you that know of them already, please go sit at that corner table and talk quietly amongst yourselves.

Ramma what?

A bit of background. Ramadan is a month, much like July, August, September etc. but its part of the Islamic lunar calendar (incidentally, it’s the 9th month). This month has highly significant religious importance to Muslims as their holy book (the Quran) was sent down during this month.

Ramadan… PARTY!!!!!

Well my little seekers of wisdom (that’s not true because you wouldn’t be here otherwise, just proves how boring your lives really are… I digress sorry… where was I?).

What many (not all of course because I am generalising for comedic effect here people) Muslims do and what they’re supposed to do are two completely different things. Let’s list the fasting person's obligations for our special needs readers.

How people should behave.

* Fast as a symbol of their strength of belief over their physical needs (yes that includes shagging and no touching yourself either).
* Endeavour to repent for the past year's transgressions by seeking a closer bond with god.
* Life moves more slowly because people are pre-occupied with prayer.
* Frugality rules with less food consumed and more food given to the poor and needy.
* Good deeds are multiplied so people are unusually helpful and kind (without ulterior motives)



What really happens.

* People have no idea why they fast, they just do.
* Empty the shelves in Carrefour as if war has just been declared.
* Life virtually stops because people are too listless to do anything or are asleep.
* Eat until stretch marks appear. The sweeter or greasier a food is the better. Better still, lets fry sugar.

* People are so irritable that it’s not a good idea to argue with anyone unless you are armed with a heavy blunt instrument.

* Sleep all day and stay up all night making the measly 5 hours work in an air-conditioned office a chore.
* Spend more than you can afford buying gifts for Eid.

Is it today, tomorrow? When is it dammit??

The Islamic calendar (like the Jewish one) is a lunar calendar which means that when a month starts or ends is wholly dependent on the life cycle of the moon's visibility.
“Ok… what’s that mean Giasi?” I hear the slower ones at the back shout out. I’ll try and explain. Without getting all astronomical on your ass, simply put, a lunar month starts with a new moon (a thin sliver of the moon), then proceeds as more of the moon is seen until we reach a full moon (middle of the month) and then it slowly disappears and reverts back to a sliver (on the opposite side) and that’s the end of the month. Then it starts all over again.

Now, the cosmos being the cosmos, it has a weird and wonderful way of going about things. A lunar cycle is about 29.5 days so the months of the calendar will sometimes be 29 and sometimes 30 days. Nonetheless, the lunar calendar is 11 days shorter than your usual common or garden calendar. That’s why Ramadan is 11 days earlier than it was last year.

When a month begins depends on when you see that thin sliver of new moon. Traditionally people used to look out for this and when someone saw it they would rush into the village screaming “I’VE SEEN IT I’VE SEEN IT!!!!” or words to that effect, to which the villagers would reply “REALLY… OH MY GOD!! DON'T TELL US YOU’VE SEEN THE LOCH NESS MONSTER!!” to which he would reply “ NO… THE NEW MOON YOU FOOLS” to which everyone else would say “OH! IS THAT ALL?”. Anyway, you get the picture

Now moon watching is not as easy as you think. It may be a new moon, but seeing it is another matter. When it sets, its location in the sky, weather conditions, the eyesight and mental state of the viewer etc etc all play an important role. So what’s visible in one place may not be visible elsewhere. So, that’s why the different starting dates for Ramadan.

I am sure all you non-Muslims are sitting on the edge of your seats in eager anticipation; hungry (quite apt don't you think?) for knowledge. Next, I will try and answer some of your questions, such as “How do I, as a non-Muslim, behave around my Muslim colleagues?” “Will I get put in prison for eating in public?” “Why does my colleague’s breath smell like a bottom?” “Are those little fried sweet dumplings supposed to be that shape?”.

 Supermarket sweep.
 There was a television show in England called Supermarket Sweep. This cringingly awful excuse for entertainment involved getting some hapless twit to run around a supermarket with a shopping trolley. They had 60 seconds to fill it with as many different items as they could. Everything they managed to get, they could keep. This was excruciatingly painful to watch. Maybe I'm just anal, but there it is.

Now in Ramadan, imagine this on a mammoth scale as hordes of crazed red-eyed people descend on every supermarket in the city on the first evening of this month. Blood will be spilt along with orange juice. Women armed with knives and Chinese nunchucks scramble to get to that last crème caramel and the whole place is just a symphony of cash registers pinging away like some monster pinball machine. I have had the misfortune of witnessing this carnage myself. I was caught up in the melee this Ramadan as I attempted to buy a loaf of bread. Loaf in hand, I jostled through the heaving crowd to pay, carefully holding my bounty close to my chest like a nursing infant. I could feel it deforming under my white knuckle death grip. It was mine. I pushed an old man to the ground and jumped over a child's pram. I could see the checkout... beads of sweat dotted my brow, I was nearly home and free. I didn't see the old lady, covered in black, nor did I see her ninja kick as it made contact with my soft dangly bits. Stunned and doubled up in pain, I fell to the floor, losing my grip on my humble medium sliced. I heard her cackle as she ran away. Needless to say, when I regained consciousness, my bread was gone. Another casualty of war. The place was deserted by then, just empty shelves, the odd pool of blood and a pile of shoes, left in the stampede that I had gladly missed due to unconsciousness. Only a few footprints on my back bearing witness to the horrors that had taken place.

The driving game.

There are two times of the day one should not attempt to drive during Ramadan. The first is about lunchtime. At this point in the day, people's blood sugar levels are beginning to bottom out. I have seen people chew through steel at this time. For the sake of everything holy, do not get into an altercation with anyone at this time. Unless you enjoy watching someone eat their way through your ribcage so they can chew on your liver (obviously that would break their fast and they would have to make this day up after Ramadan). I now know why menstruating women are excused from fasting. Can you imagine PMS and this? The world would come to an end. Rivers of blood will flow (and no tampon on earth will be able to soak it up).

The second time to avoid is the minutes preceding iftar (the breaking of the fast at sunset). I'm not sure but I think it says somewhere that if you don't get home before that time some hideously awful fate awaits you. So, throwing caution to the wind and endangering yourself and everyone around you, you do whatever it takes to get home. This includes, but is not limited to, driving right up to the car in front and flashing your lights, driving at 200kph, driving on the pavement, driving on the pavement at 200kph, ignoring traffic signals etc. I think if the end of the world was near and you had only moments to say goodbye to your nearest and dearest, you still wouldn't drive like that.

Eye-watering, plant wilting breath.

Can you imagine morning breath that lasts all day. Good. The absence of any food or fluid going down your gullet all day is not conducive to minty freshness. Knowing this, one should make every attempt to maintain good oral hygiene and to avoid the consumption of "kill me instead" foods like garlic, onions, dead rabbits, toe nails, children's diapers and things of similar ilk.

Some odour is unavoidable, but can be kept to a barely noticeable level. There is no excuse for breath that curdles milk at ten yards, steams up your car windows or makes cockroaches pack their little Luis Vuitton cases and move out.

Inshallah

The wonderful " inshallah". What a wonderfully endearing term that is. Used in its proper context it means " if god wills". More specifically, it means, I will do my best to make whatever it is that’s supposed to happen and the rest is upto God " if he so wills". Normally people use it to mean "I'll get it done soon, I don't know when exactly, but soonish."

In Ramadan, it takes on a special significance where its meaning changes to " What? you are fucking kidding right? do you know it's Ramadan? come back when I'm alive asshole". So if you're hoping to renew a residence permit, get a driving license, get emergency medical treatment and you are faced with this response, I wouldn't hold your morning breath.

Ramadan is the most unproductive month of the year. If you hope to get something done you first have to a)find someone who actually turned up for work, b)they are awake and c)they can hear you and respond (it is useful sometimes to shine a bright light in their eyes, if their pupils don't dilate, find someone else).

Ready, steady, GOOOOO!!!!

If you are privileged enough to be invited to an "iftar" dinner, you have to know what to expect.

You should turn up no earlier than 15 minutes before (having wet yourself because of driving there and managing to avoid being flattened by a four wheel drive, you may want to freshen up). After pleasantries, people will take up their positions. Many will be seen limbering up with warm up exercises like mouth stretching. A few may be loosening their belts. Professionals amongst you would have had the foresight to wear elasticated pants. Maternity pants are best and a few seasoned pros will sport these.

As soon as the signal goes (the call to prayer), its every man for himself. It is advisable to keep fingers moving as any immobile object is liable to be eaten. At this point conversation is fruitless as nothing can be heard above the sound of chomping, slurping and stretch-marks creaking into formation. After a while, the most religious and pious will rise to perform prayers and others reluctantly follow. After this short interlude, the real eating begins. Do not be surprised to be faced by a mountain of rice capped by a whole sheep. Gallons of Vimto and every conceivable fried food on the planet.

Slowly, jaw muscles will tire and stomachs creak to fullness and people will start to drop like flies. Heavy eyelids and moans being the order of the day. You may be served fruit (or the dreaded crème caramel) followed by tea and then you are expected to leave. Affluent households may have a special team of servants to carry guests to their cars.

Master! Master! Shall I close the coffin?

Like Count Dracula, most people will be averse to sunlight. Preferring to sleep during the day and coming alive to feed at night. Consequently, life turns arse over tit. Places that used to close now open and those that opened are now closed. Roads are clear when there was once traffic and jam packed at the most unusual hours.



I hope that the above has given you, at least, an insight into the wonderful time of Ramadan and equipped you to deal more adeptly with the trials that you may face.

Ramadan Kareem.