Cheeeeeeeeeeeese!!!!

This is the country for photographs. I have never had so many photographs in all my life. I carry photos in my wallet, they’re in my car, everywhere I go.

You can’t take a shit here without someone needing a photocopy of your passport and 45 passport sized photographs.

So I had one photograph done and made 3 million copies, just in case I needed to join a beach club, buy a burger or get a haircut.

Quite an unassuming studio is near my house, so I walk in and the guy ushers me upstairs to his bordello. A veritable Aladdin’s cave of props.

Baby Powder to take the shine off your brow
a Dishdasha and associated accessories (National dress worn by UAE men)
a phone (the old type with dial)
sunglasses (circa 1970)
a baseball cap (very greasy inside)
a leather-look jacket
boots
a wig
a bowl of plastic fruitover
something that looked like a vibrator, but I was too afraid to touch it.lb

I politely declined to use any of the props he offered me though I did consider the boots for a second.

Waiting for my pictures to be developed, I couldn’t help noticing the pictures hanging on his wall. These were supposed to be his portfolio of experience; more like the chamber of horrors. Why people would allow themselves to be humiliated like this is beyond me. Anyway, what follows are a few examples that would more likely make you run away than contemplate walking in.

These are obviously all photos that these victims had done to send to the folks back home to show what an exciting new life they were now leading. They say a lot already, but I thought that each one should have been accompanied by a small letter. I have attempted to enter the minds of these victims and written letters on their behalf.

I apologise to my Asian brethren. These are the only photos I have and it is mere coincidence that they are all Asian.


I once went to Madame Tussauds wax museum in London and was photographed next to statues of the Queen, Gary Gltter and Jimmy Saville. At no point did I even contemplate that I could fool anyone into thinking that I had really met these people even though these lifesize statues were incredibly lifelike.

You know the old saying “a cardboard cutout is the next best thing”, well here it is. I mean, you would have to be blind to be fooled by this one. Poor guy looks like he actually believes he is being photographed with a famous film star. He is holding her so tight (maybe it was draughty in there and he was scared she would blow away). The Alpine backdrop of swiss chalets nestling in a valley really adds to the realism doesn’t it?

I think with a few strategically placed holes, this cardboard cutout could really be his girlfriend.





Dear mamma,

I send you this photo of me and padmi. As you can see she is a girl. Please tell everyone that I am very happy and that I will marry soon and have a multitude of offspring which I will also photograph and send to you. I will send you photographs of all my friends and my new house and car also. The kind photographer has arranged it and I will be sending them to you soon

Hope to see you soon

Your son pradeep






This next one is beyond me. Why two elegantly dressed ladies would want to be pictured atop a dilapidated motorbike caked in mud makes the mind boggle.


Greetings

I hope that this letter finds you in good health. My job is very nice and I have many friends. I have recently taken up motorcycling with my friend (also in the picture). It is very nice indeed with the wind rushing through our flip flops, saris dancing in the air. We travel like this all the time.

With love
Geeta




What in the hell is going on here? Ok two guys leaning on a TV set while their friend is sitting down as he uses the phone. You better be calling the mental hospital to bring a van and straight-jackets. Again, this all takes place outdoors, in the bloody swiss alps.



Dear friends,

Please find enclosed a photograph of myself and my two cousins Abdullatif and Abdulkarim. We are photographed with two items we have recently purchased called a telephone and television. As you can see, I am demonstrating how the telephone is used. We have yet to discover how to operate the television. Needless to say, we will be sending you a photograph when we do.
Next week we hope to send you a photograph of me wearing a leather jacket, Abdullatif wearing some nice sunglasses and Abdulkarim with a hard rubber thing that has batteries inside it but we still don’t know what its intended use is.

Regards
Abdulaleem




This is my favourite. Surrealism meets mind altering drugs.

Dear mummy and daddy,

I still remember people saying that a couple of cojoined twins would never make anything of their lives, how wrong they were.

I am working in a very nice office and till now, noone has noticed that I have a sister attached to my head as I cover her with a large hat. This is becoming much more difficult as anita (bless her) has discovered the joys of “all you can eat for 20 Dirhams” at KFC.

Please don’t worry about us. It may not look like it in the picture, but we are very happy

Best wishes
Rajesh