Something happened to me at the mall this weekend. I saw the ugliest baby I have ever had the misfortune to see. It was lost and some woman was dragging it round the store shrieking "is this yours?" only to be met by horrified faces as if she was pointing at some turd that someone had inadvertently dropped on the floor. She eventually caught the parents trying to slip out of the store and with a final triumphant "is this yours?" she cornered them. I could see the anxious father mulling it over in his head, he looked towards his wife for a second and with a shrug of his shoulders and a resigned look on his face he reluctantly said "yeah".
Now dont get me wrong. I havent always been this hunk of a man who makes women go weak at the knees. "NO WAY!!! THATS IMPOSSIBLE!!" I hear you scream. No. I kid you not my friends. I was the bane and nightmare of every parent. I was the ugly baby. At my birth, my father was approached by an ashen faced doctor telling him "I'm sorry, we did everything we could but it survived". My father asking about the sex of his first born was advised "we dont know yet, we haven't been able to stop it swinging from the ceiling light. Dont worry, we've sent a nurse down to the staff canteen for a banana".
It didn't stop there. My mother, bless her, used to breastfeed me in the dark. But I think even that was too much for her. In the end she just stopped and told me that she just wanted to be friends.
My parents took me to the doctor once, worried sick about my very bad breath and difficulty swallowing. The doctor soon solved the mystery by telling my parents they were holding me upside down. It was a relief to be rid of that diaper, it was suffocating me. I didn't miss that damn pacifier either.
My early childhood wasn't much better. My dad used to lock me in the wardrobe for hours when we had guests round. I believed him when he explained it was elevator practice.
My first school kicked me out because the principal said that my teachers were taking too many days off sick. My second school kicked me out because they said my hump was distracting the other students.
My father was faced with a dilemma. Find me another school or a career with the circus. As the circus wasn't hiring that year, it was another school. Recognising my talent for sport, he decided that an education in a sporting institution was what was called for. So everyday my father would drop me off at school with a tennis racquet and a cheese sandwich. I liked the school. Lots of open spaces and the teachers basically let you get on with it. It took me four years to realise that it was really the local park. I think I would have learned alot more if my dad had once given me a ball aswell as the racquet.
So, I sympathise with all those hideously ugly children out there. I was one. But patience my little vomit inducers. You will have your day one day. As I am living proof that a swan resides in that repulsive exterior waiting to be unleashed on the world. Just wait.
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